The Unscripted Carer – 18th February 2008
Over the last few days we have been reflecting about the last 20 odd years. It all started with the Rugby Observer article, and the kind phone calls and visits from friends, and then we started looking through old photo albums. The pictures reminded us of the “Historic Houses” that we used to visit, even to the extent of going to Ragley Hall just for lunch – now we can’t get to Rugby for lunch, let alone Alcester! Nicola was not into flying, and so our holidays were in England, Scotland and Wales – with Ireland on the list of places to visit soon. The pictures reminded us of long drives, some too long, and long walks across real countryside – I even remembered having to carry an exhausted dog home for an hour or so when we nearly all ran out of steam. The irony being that the dog was asleep as soon as we got back to the hotel, and ready for action again within an hour or so – it took us until the next morning to recover.
Talking to other carers made me realise what a diverse bunch we are, I also heard a new term “cared about” which seems a lot more accurate than “cared for”, and sums it all up quite well. The very diversity of “us” must make it very difficult for “them” to help us. I am not totally sure who “they” are, so far we have met Guideposts, Social Services, Crossroads, Occupational Therapists, District (sorry, Community) Nurses, Local Press – all very helpful, but I bet there are some more people out there. On the other side of the coin there have been a number of National radio programs on Radio 4 that claim to be gathering feedback from carers. Having listened to a number of these, I was very disappointed that the programmes seemed to be an exercise in making certain pre-prepared statements, regardless of the feedback from listeners and the comments made by carers. It all smacked of tokenism, and “does he take sugar”, rather than any real attempt to seek opinions from real carers. The real worry I have is that Government policy may be influenced by these biased programmes.
The other problem that comes through the National Press is that all the success stores are “fully funded”, whereas most of the people I know that are making use of social care services are having to make a financial contribution (up to £8.70 an hour) depending upon there own personal financial circumstances. Typically, people have too much money “in the bank” to get free services, but not enough to pay for the services they need – and to live. I guess the answer is to move to Scotland, or to spend your money. It does seem odd that the rules encourage people not to save, which really is the total opposite of what we were encouraged to do when I was growing up.
If only Nicola could still enjoy travelling in a car, the answer is obvious – buy a nice sports car, and satisfy my life long dream!
Speaking of dreams and goals, it is quite amazing how they change over time. As with all males of my age, I wanted to be an engine driver, then to play for England at cricket (the Yorkshire blood from a time when Yorkshire had a really good team) and soccer. The latter was a bit weird, as I played a lot of Rugby and a little soccer, probably I was more realistic about my Rugby skills than my soccer skills! Underpinning it was the desire for a sports car – I remember being excited by an MG Midget that would do 60 mph. The adverts spoke of a “mile every minute”! Now, my only remaining dream is to play international soccer for England, as I am overweight, unfit and not especially skilled, I am a near certainty to be captain for the next World Cup matches!
Where does all this nostalgia leave us?
I have rekindled my love of photography, and passed it to my wife, although she cannot currently hold a camera – her back is not currently strong enough, she has still got an eye for a picture and tells me when the light is ideal for taking pictures. Photography makes you see things through a different perspective, making even the smallest moment valuable. I guess we have applied the same principle to our lifestyle, and we look forward to the days when Nicola can get into the garden, and not have to view it through our windows. It would be a lie if I said I missed shopping with her for clothes, it always amazed me that wherever I stood, I would be in somebody’s way. It was as if a lady knew I was hiding some item of clothing that would make her life complete, and the bank balance less so! I have even tried standing in front of (closed) fire doors, and still there was a need to make sure I was not hiding some essential item of female attire.
What keeps us both going is the support of friends, Guideposts and the respite care from Social Services and Crossroads. The latter gives us time to be safely apart, and gives us something else to talk about. I also have the personal satisfaction of seeing Nicola respond to having 24*7 company, and knowing that giving up work to look after her was the right decision for both of us.
Bye for now
Graham
